Legacy Blog 10: I <3 U (The construct I has less presence than three times that of the construct U)

Friday, May 12, 2006

Hello, readers! A few of you who bother to read my math-related, witty titles may wonder what presence is. Presence is sort of like mass in higher dimensions. We’ll go deeper into that concept later in this blog. I appreciate all of you who have waited so long for the release of a new blog. After they throw me in a looney bin one day, you can say you knew me when I was sane.

On to important matters. Many of you may be familiar with the idea of looking at a person in the distance, placing your fingers in front of your view, and pinching the head of that person. It’s an old Kids in the Hall joke. Picture this if you will: you can actually pinch that person’s head from that distance, and quite possibly flatten his or her skull (I wouldn’t recommend doing this). The reason it appears you can’t is because you don’t “believe” you can. Notice how the verb “believe” is in quotations. “Belief” is the abandonment of current-dimensional thought. For a simple example, consult Blue’s Clues. Steve or Joe (Steve is way better) can jump into pictures hanging around his house because he forgets about his 3-D form and “believes.” To keep children’s brains from exploding, Nick Jr. still makes Steve appear 3-D, when really he should look like the projection of Steve on to a two-plane. Using these ideas, “believe” there is no distance between you and your friend. Only then do your pinching fingers and his or her head lie on the same two-plane, and crushing it becomes possible (but your friend may not enjoy it). Similarly, 2-D constructs may bend into the three-plane. The perfect example is DoodleBob on an episode of SpongeBob titles “Frankendoodle.” SpongeBob eloquently recites how DoodleBob was trapped in the 3-D world.

Now picture 4-D beings (like Tralfamadoreans) pinching their friends’ heads in the distance by only “believing.” The same applies for 5-D, 6-D, 7-D, 8-D, and (God forbid) 9-D beings. The Head-Pinching Theory (as it will now be called) only requires a subtraction of the highest dimensions. Notice how this falls perfectly parallel to the ideas uniting M-theory and string theory, in that cutting the equator of a higher-dimensional equivalent of a sphere leaves a string of one less dimension. As for an idea like time-travel, which is adding a dimension of travel instead of subtracting one, “belief” also is the way. Reader, please do not make the foolish assumption that if you believe you can travel 20 years in the future, you will. That’s just silly. To time travel, a person must recongize the four-plane. You must “believe,” not believe. I have tried many times to see the four-plane, but came up short. Please let me know if you see any folds or bends in the four-plane. If you do, all we need to do is tug on them a little and we’ll travel through time. Neat.

Now for the idea of presence. Presence is a less-than-ninth-dimensional construct desribing how much of something there is. For example, in three dimensions, objects have presence measured in kilograms. This makes presence equivalent to mass in three dimensions. How then is presence measured in other dimensions? We first need to identify what a kilogram is. The traditional definition of mass is the amount of matter an object has. But mass can be converted to energy and vice-versa using the ideas of Einstein and that really ugly guy, de Broglie. Citing string theory, particles with mass are really just strings vibrating at certain frequencies. Objects, then, are trillions of notes from of strings with well-built harmonies. Mass is therefore a simple way to obeserve presence. It is the third-dimensional impression of the string vibrations.

Let us now define the basic unit of inter-dimensional jump, the lauer. Starting with 1 kg x 1 lauer^0 = 1 kg, for three dimensions, presence in the first dimension is measured by the unit kglauer^-2; in the second, kglauer^-1; in the fourth, kglauer; in the fifth, kglauer^2; and so on. Let’s say I have a mass of 50 kg (I don’t) in three dimensions. I have a presence in the fourth dimension of 50 kglauers. Easy. What’s your presence in the other dimensions? (Ladies may keep their answers private.) This train of thought allows us to develop mathematical models for higher-dimensional physics.

Before we define forces in other dimensions, we need to redefine motion and acceleration. The Universe can be best modeled by a massive orchestra (we’re talking MASSIVE). The songs and symphonies are all there, except every note and rhythm is played at once. Non-metaphorically, this means there is no such thing as motion. Motion is the passing of measures in the music of the Universe. The players are so sophisticated, however, that they can play every note at once. Motion is the apparent phenomenon of the Universe changing position. Human eyes can only read note for note in the music, and do not understand what really occurs. When it comes to looking at the Universe as a whole, everything is everywhere and everywhen (everywhern for short). Humans simply can’t tell this because they are only aware of their note in the song. Newton defined force as the product of mass and acceleration. Acceleration is really just the way the notes are written. In three dimensions, 1 kgm/s^2 = 1 N. In four dimensions, where acceleration is in the units s/m^2 (the amount of time per meter in the fifth dimension per meter in the fifth dimension), the unit for force is kglauer x s/m^2. I would seriously like to rename this unit. Send me suggestions.

That’s all for now. This blog has really inspired me to think even more outside-of-the-box. You may now call the psych ward and have them take me away. Fare well!

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